Sunday, October 30, 2011
Playing family board games has sure changed from when I was a kid. Case in point: a woman recently stabbed her boyfriend with a knife... over a game of Monopoly. "Park Place is mine! All mine! All mine!" Sheesh... Not only that, the stabber was a grandma.... "They sure don't make grandmas like they used to." Aren't grandmas supposed to bake cookies and spoil their grandchildren (even the annoying ones)? While her grandson slept, this woman went ballistic on her unsuspecting boyfriend (what I'd like to know is, where was Grandpa?). "The Free Parking space belongs to me!" Faster than you can say 'Park Place,' The poor guy ended up at the hospital, not knowing what hit -- uh, stabbed him. "We've got a bleeder!" Is that unbelievable or what? Come on, people, get some perspective. I mean, board games are supposed to give families a chance to bond, not a chance to post bail. These games should bring laughter to one's household, not lacerations. And to be fair, it's not just the ladies that go into crazy mode when they play board games. Awhile back, some man went to the slammer for assaulting his lady when she refused to give him Monopoly's Boardwalk. Oh, and then another guy choked his wife over a game of 'Yahtzee.' Are you serious, people? Can we play a simple game of Candyland without worrying if game tokens will be turned into lethal weapons? Looking back, I can definitely say that the makers of Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots were ahead of their time... Pow!
Saturday, October 22, 2011
I hear that one of John Lennon's teeth is going up for auction soon. Well, I have greater news: I'm willing to auction off one of my teeth at a much better price -- a baby tooth, no less. Let's be honest, now's not the best time to spend huge dollars on strangers' teeth. "You want how much for Lennon's tooth?! -- I'm taking my business elsewhere!" And well you should, come do business with me. Heck, I'll even consider payment plans. Again, why spend ridiculous money on a coffee-stained, tobacco-clouded adult tooth, when you can get my baby tusk at a much better rate. Am I right or am I right? And think about this: I have a huge advantage over John Lennon -- I'm still alive! You can ask me, yes ME, whatever you want about my tooth prior to purchase. "Yes, I sucked my thumb 'til the age of twelve." Here's an added bonus: I was a cute baby. I have witnesses -- beside my mother -- and pictures to prove it, okay? "But won't your mom get mad?" Hey, I'll take my chances, all for the good of mankind -- and his sacred pocketbook. Beside, my mom's got several of my baby teeth stored away for safekeeping. "You can't put a price on these milky pearls." Granted, my dad's grossed out by the whole idea, but my mother's always had the foresight to save my baby teeth... "My boy's gonna win an Oscar someday!" If nothing else, baby teeth are a great ice breaker at parties. You don't know how many friends my mom's made this way: "Have you seen my writer son's baby teeth?" (Aren't mom's great?) And if that's not enough, my sweet mother's got other personal items of mine, too: "You have to come over -- I'll show you my darling boy's fingernails from First Grade. Oh, and I also saved his -- " Okay Mommy, let's stop while we're ahead...
Sunday, October 16, 2011
For those of you who worry about my well-being, I'm going to be just fine during the NBA lockout. "You look kinda cross-eyed..." I'm going to be perfectly fine... "Are you sure you're okay?" Of course I'm sure... I think... The first two weeks of the upcoming NBA season have already been wiped out due to labor strife between greedy players and owners... "Cancel the whole season -- I dare ya!" Well, I'm here to say that I'm moving on with my life... I will survive... (with apologies to Gloria Gaynor)... Why worry about something I can't control, right? "Get outta town, you selfish owners and players!" I've already promised myself -- and my manicurist -- that I won't bite my nails during the NBA work stoppage. And no, I'm not going to pick up any other nervous habits during this idle time either (example: I'm proud of the fact that I'm only consuming about 10-12 cups of coffee each day). Look at the bright side: no NBA allows us hoop fans to do other things. I know I'll use the extra time wisely... Why, I'll... I'll -- I'll help around the house... Yeah -- and I'll watch every 'I Love Lucy' episode for the one-hundredth time... Okay, ya got me -- I'm lying through my teeth! "Can I curl into the fetal position and cry?" I miss pro basketball soooooo much... I miss it tremendously. What ever shall I do?! "Hey, you wanna gather around the television and watch some WNBA?" Uh... I don't miss basketball that much...
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Hi! -- Bye! Not so fast... I recently heard about this guy who robbed the same bank -- for the third time! "We haven't seen you for awhile... Ooh, is that a new semi-automatic weapon you have there? It's nice..." How exactly does a bad guy rob the same bank three straight times? "Mr. Robber, how would you like your money today? -- large bills or small?" I mean, come on, I've heard of making your customers feel welcome, but this is beyond the call of duty. "How's the family...? And your sciatic nerve, is it doing any better?" Why, I bet the guy helps himself to coffee over in the break room while his moneybags are getting filled... "Guys, you're kinda low on sugar..." (I'm lucky if I get a grunt or a nod when I go into my local branch) I can only imagine, the robber sitting there, with his legs crossed: "Take your time, guys, I've got time to kill..." (not exactly what you want to hear during a bank robbery) I wonder if the tellers ever close for lunch when the robber approaches. I seriously doubt it. "I can help you over here, sir!" See what I mean? Here I am, Mr. Nice Guy, and I'm lucky NOT to get a dirty look when I ask for a crisp ten-dollar bill... "I guess... I'll have to go to the vault..." What's next, is the culprit going to be named Robber of the Month? -- have his portrait displayed proudly on the wall? I can already see it: "For Outstanding Effort and Contributions In Local Bank Heists" It's not fair, it's just not. As a long-time bank customer, I'd like a little attention, a little respect: "Yoohoo! Can somebody help me over here...? Hello...? This pen doesn't work... Hello...?"