"What's in the bag?"

Did you hear about the high school student who attacked an assistant principal over a bag of chips?  "You're not getting back these -- Ugh!  My solar plexus!"  It's true, ladies and gentlemen.  The incident happened somewhere in Ohio.  "That's in Canada, right?"  Not the last time I checked... It's no wonder so many people want out of the Midwest... "Our minors are not allowed to eat chips without a license."   Obviously, Ohio's a very strict state.  And from what my sources tell me, there's not much to do there, either.  "We know how to have plenty of fun."   Sorry, but football in the frozen tundra and watching things rust aren't enough.  Then again, there's always the opportunity to fight over a bag of chips... "That bag of sodium's mine!"  Even though I believe in our Constitution and the Freedom to Stuff Face, I have to side with the school administrator on this one.  "Why's that?"  Well, surely the school's trying to promote healthy eating... "How 'bout a celery stick instead?"  It's a shame today's youths have to resort to such measures when they get the munchies.  "Give me back my chips!"  I guarantee you, someday this kid's going to return to school and thank the assistant principal... "Thank you."  I can already hear it.  "Hey, guess what?  I don't eat junk food anymore.  Nope.  I turned to cigarettes instea -- Hey, give me back my smokes!" Oh boy...