May I Borrow Your Key?

I know all of you out there are law abiding citizens.  You'd never want to break the law, right...?  "I once got a ticket for jaywalking.  Does that count?"  Okay, but you didn't end up in the "Gray Bar Hotel," I bet.  Go to the Dark Side for a quick moment, imagine getting thrown in jail with a bunch of hardened criminals.  Pretty heavy stuff, right?  All eyes are on the new guy, everybody's tense. Even the toughest of the tough are a little bit nervous as the newest inmate settles in.  You could hear a pin drop... Finally, somebody dares to ask:  "What ya in for, son?  First degree something, right?"  That's when the new guy admits: "Uh, I stole a 2-year-old's piggy bank."  Huh?  "¿Qué dice este vato?"  Don't believe me?  "Don't believe you."  Yes, this actually happened.  Look it up...  I understand the judge even tried to give this genius a second chance: "You sure you don't want to give it another go, rob a bank or something?"   Sources tell me the inmates didn't beat this guy to a pulp for one sole reason: They couldn't stop laughing.  "You stole WHAT from WHO?!  You're killin' me!"  People on the inside tell me some lifers were really insulted by the Piggy Bank Bandit's  actions.  "He'll ruin our reputation!"  Why, Al Capone's ghost was so upset,  he put in a call to Geraldo Rivera:  "What's next, a 6-month-old's pacifier?"  In the end, let this be a reminder to us all: Crime doesn't pay.  "But what about politics?"  That's a different story...