Tippy Toes

I need to dispel one rumor immediately, before it spreads like wildfire: I was NOT Natalie Portman's body double in "Black Swan."   As you may have heard, there's controversy on just how much ballet the actress actually performed for the movie camera.  Some claim that another person  did most of the dancing in that fine film (I'm still waiting for an explosion and some car chases).  Well, I'm here to take my name OUT of the mix.  "Wasn't me."  First off, I don't look good in a tutu (not that I've ever worn one).  Secondly, I can barely understand all those fancy ballet terms.  For example, you say "Ront de jambe," I say "Jamba Juice." Or what about "A la Seconde"-- I immediately think Second Hand Store.  What did I tell you, ballet and I just don't mix.  Sorry to disappoint but it's the truth.  "I don't do ballet."  To my legion of followers I ask, "Do I look like a swan?"  Of course not.  If anything, I look like a miniature version of Big Bird (especially when I put on that yellow raincoat my mommy bought me years ago).  So please, next time you watch the film, please refrain from jumping out of your seat and yelling, "It's him!  Penché!  Penché!  To that I say, "Wash that mouth with soap!"