Cool As Ice

Why do people in America take sports so seriously.  "Why?"  Case in point: Lakers fans during playoff losses.  I mean, they go absolutely berserk with every Kobe turnover and every blown layup by Derek Fisher.  Amazing... Let me tell you, I've always taken pride in staying calm, cool, and collected when rooting for our local teams.  "How do you do it?"  I'll be happy to answer that.  See, for as long as I can remember, I've had an uncanny ability to stay calm while watching tight ball games.  It's as if I'm in a trance.  Win or lose.  "Are you awake?"  In fact, people from all corners of the world have come to study my yoga-like manner during Laker games.  "You should try it, " I suggested to actor Jack Nicholson as we quietly shared popcorn during a Lakers' loss to Boston in the '08 Finals.  While I'm on the subject, something that really cracks me up is when loco fans yell at the television.  Why?  "It's not like the players can hear you."  That's mind boggling as far as I'm concerned.  I simply can't relate to such Neanderthal behavior...  "Why-are-you-yelling-at-me? I-am-just-a-flat-screen-TV." Remember, electronic devices have feelings, too.  Beside that, I've been told that many sports fanatics spew venomous language when their teams lose.  "Chill out, guys."  There's more to life than just sports, no?  Then again, I've heard of people (who shall remain nameless) who've snuck radios into church to hear ballgames.  During mass! (good luck explaining that one to Saint Pete)  Can you believe that?  "That's unbelievable."  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find a knife for my steak dinner... For some strange reason, it appears that my wife put away all sharp objects... I wonder why...