Askin' About Alaskan

So I find out a high school buddy's been living in Alaska for years.  I don't know how he does it.  I mean, who likes dressing like Chewbacca, right?  Also, having to stress that the house may turn into a giant puddle on any given day isn't cool... "Honey, our family room just melted..."  And what about having to go hunting for your own food?  No thanks.  "I'll take mine with plenty of preservatives, please."  Nothing against the people of Alaska but... What I want to know is, who lives there, beside my buddy and Sarah Palin?  At least the lines at the local shopping center aren't long... "Price check on men's polka dotted long johns!"  And what must the locals do with all that fish?  "One large salmon shake comin' right up!"  Can you imagine?  And I don't know about riding a dog sled to work, either-- "Mush!"  I mean, I can barely handle riding in a breezy convertible, let alone a vehicle that I have to stand on-- and fill up with unleaded dog biscuits! "Down, boy!"  I don't know, my buddy's trying to convince me to go for a visit, but why?  "E-mail me some pictures, instead."  What if I got lost in the snow or something...With my luck, I'd run out of food, and then what?  "Great, now I have to eat my own thumb."  Another thing to consider is the lack of neighbors for miles at a time.  "Can ANYBODY hear me?!"  And who do Alaskans "borrow" their cable signal from?  No thanks, I'll stay here in sunny California.  Beside, I wouldn't want to send my lungs into shock: "What is this, fresh air?--  Get me outta' here!"