Dog Days

No offense to my dog Rocky, but... I'm glad I'm not him, nor any other dog, for that matter.  I mean, I wouldn't want to be kept on a leash: "You're... cho... cho... choking me, lady!"  And I wouldn't want to be forced to exercise, either: "Why do I have to run?-- I'm not the one with a 42-inch waist." Being a dog's gotta be tough, especially a show dog: "I don't want to wear berets!-- and I don't like poofy hair!" Imagine all those people staring at you, just waiting for you to mess up: "If I wanted to do tricks, I'd join the circus!"  Word is the food's not so great, either: "Why can't I have carne asada?" And another thing, how degrading to have to raise a hind leg all the time: "Great, I think I pulled a hamstring."  Being a dog just can't be fun, especially if you have to guard the house against dangerous intruders: "You cheapskate, get an alarm system instead."  And how rude is it to walk around with your tongue hanging all the time: "Aren't there laws against this?"  Yes, being a member of the canine family certainly has its limitations.  Like vocabulary: "Woof!"  Just think of having to go through life with only one-syllable words at your disposal. Two if you're lucky: "Woof! Woof!" And how sad is it to be in the doghouse every day of your life?  "This house isn't big enough for the two of us."  Poor dogs, having to go through life getting sniffed at from all angles: "Watch it, buddy-- haven't you heard of personal space?"