Eye Spy

Why anyone wears contact lenses voluntarily is beyond my comprehension.  "Why do you do this to yourself?"  I guess there's that segment of  the population that prefers looking like zombies with those fake colored lenses.  "You look great."  Liars!!!  As far as I'm concerned, contacts fall under "cruel and unusual punishment."  I should know.  I've HAD to wear hard lenses for many, many years.  "But why, Doc?"  Well, after much research and countless interviews, I've come to the only logical conclusion: There's a conspiracy aimed against me by clandestine government forces.  "I am not a spy!" Why else would I be getting tortured?  "There's nothing to confess!  I know nothing-- I swear!"  (just ask my math teachers) Call me paranoid but I just know my optometrist is in on the scheme.  "You've got the wrong guy!"  Somehow, these sinister souls think I'm going to confess to stealing classified information every time I stick those needles for lenses into my poor little eyes.  "Dry eye!  Dry eye!  It's like sandpaper!"  And that's before allergy season.  Holy moly, what a horrible way to start off  the morning (other than tuning in to Rick Dees).  You should see how I drive when I'm struggling with contacts.  "Everybody outta the way!"  Before I know it, flashing red lights fill my rear-view mirror.  "Step out of the car, please."  Awkward...  "Officer, I can explain.  Really."  Thanks to contacts, my eyes are always red.  (No wonder people are always snickering behind my back.)  "My eyes appear bloodshot because of my contacts!  Ya gotta believe me!"  (What happened to "innocent 'til proven guilty"?)  People are so quick to judge.  "Why don't you wear glasses?"  Are you crazy?-- at the risk of being called "four eyes?"  No way!  Next thing you know, I'd be accused of looking half-way intelligent.  "Yup, you sure do have the wrong guy!"