"What a Pain in the --"

Folks, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but... I've got really bad news.  Maybe I shouldn't tell -- oh, I better get it over with...  So, where do I begin...?  Dear friends, it turns out a slice of Americana, of good ol' U.S. of A.  causes pain.  Great pain.  "What would Norman Rockwell think?"  It's a pain that can put you on your knees.  "Make it stop!  Make it go away!"  It's a pain that can strain even the best of relationships.  Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, here goes: Hotdogs cause headaches.  "Don't shoot! -- I'm just the messenger."  Yes, it's true -- if you believe the research.  Some very smart people have concluded that our beloved hot dogs are a pain in the cabeza ('head' for those who slept through Spanish).  "No wonder my medulla oblongata hurts every time I drive by the slaughterhouse."  Guys, do you realize what this means?  Do you really?  Let me help.  Next time you go to the ballpark, you're taking a huge risk by biting into one those big, juicy dogs.  People in the know will look at you with absolute horror: "Don't do it!  Don't eat that thing!" Fans seated around you won't be able to focus on the game as they'll be too busy watching you chew.   You'll be a huge distraction to the masses.  Riots will likely ensue. . . "Get him outta here!  Booo!  Booo!"  The kids will be scarred for life.  "Somebody call Child Services -- he bought his kid a hot dog!"  But that's not all, guys.  Let's say that you're disciplined enough to stay away from those hot dogs -- kids included -- but your spouse isn't... Think about it, guys... The ramifications are endless, with long-term effects on the human population.  I'm warning you guys.  I can already hear it: "Not tonight, honey... I ate a hot dog."